Darling, Take Your Time.

Hello loves! It’s a new year! I haven’t typed anything out since last year! I hope you all have had a blessed year so far.

2021! This year should be about healing! Healing from 2020 and any other damages we have caused ourselves to not heal from in previous years.

Depression, any form of it and anxiety. I’ve never been the type to ever think of depression. Yes, I know it’s real and a lot of people suffer from it. I just didn’t think that I would have......

Cliché as it is the first step is actually realizing and admitting to yourself that you are depressed. And finding a solution to fix the problem to fix yourself. You have to heal yourself from the damages in your childhood or damages you know that are present in yourself. Because, we all have demons, we’re all toxic we just don’t like to admit it.

You know, at first I feel like I was blaming it on postpartum depression. Which is REAL! And I know it was half the problem. But when I finally took the time to look deep into myself and take the time I needed to understand what was really wrong with me. It was just me.

I feel like having a daughter made me realize that I didn’t love myself as much as I thought I did. As a parent you know especially for me I want to make sure that I am the best role model for my daughter and the best parent possible. I can’t be the best version of myself if I’m over here drowning myself in alcohol and drugs because, I don’t want to feel. If it wasn’t for quarantine. I probably would have never even noticed.

When you’re always working and taking passion into a career and job that you love & all of a sudden that’s taken away from you, all you have left is time for yourself and time to reflect and I was using that time on drugs, pushing away people that I love. Especially, my man. And I’m thinking to myself. “How could I be the best version of myself, a great mother, and lover if I’m consuming all of this Bull shit.”

My depression and postpartum depression I was facing, was not giving myself enough time. Time to adjust, time to bounce back, time to heal. And not everyone realizes that the things that happen in your childhood can play a big part in who you are today. But always remember, you get to choose who you want to be! Do you want to be the downgrade version of yourself or do you want to be the best version of yourself?

Embarrassing to even admit. But I was taking drugs. It made me the complete opposite of who I am and it did play apart of me being depressed. I was this insecure person. Putting blame on my man. Accusing him of things he never even did and making up scenarios in my mind like a crazy person! The come down was the worst. It felt like the whole world was against me. Being on drugs is no joke.

So, I want to tell everyone who feels like the world is against them, who don’t feel loved, accepted, hurt from the past of a lover or family members, who feel like they are terrible parents for not being themselves today, or just not feeling like yourself at all.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We need to start normalizing therapy and not drugs. Normalizing letting your loved ones tell you how they feel when you are not being yourself and start accepting the fact that you aren’t.

Because, I rather hear your story and why you are hurting. Than to hear your funeral eulogy.

Check on your family and friends everyone. And remember to always pray and reflect. If it wasn’t for God stopping me when He did. I would not have been able to get through it!

Suicide Helpline number: 1-800-273-8255

Drug Abuse Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

Until then,

All my love!

Xoxoxo